The Importance of Being Idle

Now cows have it easy. All they have to do is show up at an appointed time... which in case they forget everyone around them knows about. There are no hassles, no retakes and definitely no dissatisfaction report filed so as to speak of. A few may insist on dressing up----getting an Elvis Hairdo or even using Orbit White but that is as far as a cow will go to impressive its prospective partner. And within a matter of months you have a healthy calf right under ur nose. Quite a convenient arrangement, right?

But human beings as a race love and thrive on complications. A simple "hi" gets get convoluted to Hello, nice to see you, asphyxiating hugs, we haven't met in such a long time blah blah blah. So mating, rather in human-like sophisticated terminology, "courtship" is a long winded, intensely complicating, morally wronged, vague and arduous process. They say technology has made the world a smaller place. They obviously haven't come across a huge section of the human population, especially in this little hamlet called Calcutta.
It all starts on a bright sunny morning when most of the adolescent population is asleep( owing to night long conferences with people they don't know yet happily engage in nonsensical conversation with), when suddenly someone's phone rings.
Hesitantly and quite reluctantly and after 15 minutes of other worldly bantering the caller says something that will alter the lives of an odd 128 people forever( more if you are Shweta Sengupta Sharma): "Listen I like someone"
Steps to be followed after this are of the following kinds:--
a) If the person in the conversation is closely or directly connected with the object of affection then the caller must leave the sentence hanging in mid air amidst a shroud of suspense which will, no doubt infuriate the other person and is typically designed to arouse his/her curiousity for a heightened period of time.
b) if the person in conversation is not directly involved, then the caller will confide in him/her and ask for the caller to somehow through a very complicated network arrange for some sort of clandestine meeting(which in all eventuality more than 20 people will know about)
c) if the caller is really desperate or an old style romantic(rarity) he/she will post a love letter on a public forum( case in point Priyanka Kumar, who recently had to experience the embarrassment of being asked out on Orkut)
lets deal with person A first
After 7 days of futile code breaking, the person will finally reveal the crush in concern(which in many cases may have moved from the original interest to someone totally new). This can incite these kinds of behaviour.
1) Most often blatant and unabashed ridiculing-unending laughter sessions and calling up to inform a few hundred other people who will react in the same way until finally it will reach the person in concern by which time the originally afflicted by love may have lost concern in the girl/guy. But the ridiculing will not stop here--will continue months on end resulting in even years of oppression.
2) the person will be actually concerned and will help the guy get the girl or vice versa.
3) if the person you are confiding in, secretly is in love with you and if he/she at heart is not a bad person(well what are the chances of that) then he or she will do all in their power to secure the love interest.
4) if you belong to LMG you will open a fan club(something on the likes of Pink Bunny) where all the women will be given training by senior sluts on hiking the skirt up, laughing at the right moment, cheering on your man if he is a stud.
From now on, if your friend is genuinely interested in your welfare(expecting compensation in the form of a few Marlboros for every successful more- than- five -minute- private conversation you engage in) you will be forced to accompany unknown people to either CCD or some coffee joint where you will be left alone to talk to each other( Still a concept not fully understood by me). in most cases the guy will organise the date and therefore after it, or during it, the girl will receive a few hundred calls from people she didnt know existed to confirm how evrything is going.
To that if she goes by the name of Sonali Gangal will pretend that it was a torture machine(which even eating to her is) or reply "whatever", yet when asked out for a second date will not decline. Then again if your date is an ATM machine you wouldn't either.
again if your love life is on a separate course as in the person you have fallen for is an out and out jerk, you will seek solace in the arms of someone else(I cant believe i am making this sound remotely poetic) who you will say yes, to to whet your massive ego first but a few months down the line you wont hesitate in baking chocolate fudge(which turns out more like chocolate covered bread, but dont be deterred) for this person and especially when you do not want to miss out on Tommy Hilfiger shopping sprees.
In effect when you start going out with a person you become his or her property. therefore when someone so much as even steal a glance at your boyfriend or girlfriend( and especially when happens to be a former flame) it can result in very public Bridget Jones style catfights, which may be flattering to say the least but forever be imprinted in their memories.
this may often elicit responses such as " He is your weekend bungalow that you need to visit sometimes for recreation, I am your fifth floor apartment". Talk about dialogues. And K serial writers thought they had it all.
For me, although its far too much trouble. Firstly, I will never end up with a person quite as perfect as George and its too much of an interference trying to remember anniversaries, buy pricey gifts or even remember appointed dates especially when you aren't all that interested in the first place. Secondly, no one in their right frame of mind would be interested. Thirdly, I get only 60 bucks per month to refill my balance on my mobile( and my driver gets more). Fourthly, if this is the process I have to go through everytime, then I think I prefer being a cow.